Saturday, February 25, 2006
Someone said:
You broke my heart but never shattered it completely. And that is the cruelest thing to do to somebody. It broke it into one thousand parts. So that piece by piece it flaked off. Like bad paint off a humid Hong Kong wall. Carrying off fragments of the hopeful, optimistic me that you once knew and cared about. Maybe I was too forgiving. All I needed from you was a simple dealbreaker. Something to definitively label you a bastard and thus make me avoid you forever. The worst relationships are the ones that wear away at you by attrition. One modest disappointment after another. A neglected call. A missed dinner date. A forgotten gift. Love isn't always about grand gestures and flowery apologies. You know I'm not a needy chick. You never had to spend much time with me. And I never asked for much - just the certainty that when you said you'd call back, you would. Or that if you couldn't make it in time, you'd let me know. Simple courtesies like that. Do you know the amount of time I spent waiting for you to call? Or keeping my fingers crossed in agony over whether you'd make it to see me? I would put my plans on hold for up to a week on the off-chance that you were in town. Of course I grew tired of waiting. But then I'd wait some more. Of course I'd tell myself that I would never let anyone else string me along this way. But when the opportunity presented itself, I'd just do it all over again. That's why I said that knowledge makes me vulnerable. Nobody but me should know that I suffered like that. I never told you because I just wanted the few times we had together to be happy and free of these banal little irritations. I just assumed things would get better with time. I never told you because I needed to preserve my dignity. I was a strong, confident woman who didn't need anyone else in her life, who had a string of people who loved to spend time with her, who went through men like water. Why was I being over-sensitive and needy and pathetic like this? Absolutely out of character. I had to disown that part of myself.
okie thats not written by me. but. i felt sth readin it so here it is~ i tink im movin abit by abit.. freakinly painful. goddammit. i realised.. for lik e past 2 or 3 relationships ive gone into.. ive alwys gone in thinkin "okie i know its not gona last but we'll juz b happy w now n enjoy e moment.!" BUT somewher along e way mel gets so caught up in whatever n is so happy she starts believeing tt its gona last.. then learn e more painful way tts bullshit. every freakin male's made me believe its possible. damn u stupid creatures x(.. tink im gettin over didi e wrong way.. im makin him more and more an asshole in my mind. cos he's not e beautiful person i knew.. n somehow seein him as this jerk in my mind makes e lettin go easier.. lik hello, why wud i wana date this fella anymore.. it usually wks. THEN zhuzhu will sing "kiss gdbye" or some sad song will play or something will make me wonder wher my didi went.. n i'll look arnd. lost.. alone. again. screw..
ive been dreaming alot. haha abt cute eye candies alot. i so shall not go for younger guys. older guys mayb.. girls.. mayb.. little boys! nahh x( unless... haha :) studied alot at macs this wk.. but not as successful as id hv hoped. kept stonin in e general direction of sas.. of e cc.. its so familiar.. how many million times ive waited ther for u to come outta sch.. then seein all e familiar sas boys.. all askin e same qn "wher's kaiwah?" how e fuck m i suppose to ans tt u stupid boys *stabstab*
oh ya As comin out on march.. good lck to all my seniors n friends man.. hope everyone does well..
* i'll close my eyes and remember. 3:17 AM *
